Issue 300 – April 1, 2012

NEWS FLASHES

PACKS, TROOPS REBEL AGAINST BSA “UNIT UNIFORM” POLICY. 

In a remarkable display of solidarity against the BSA’s new policy that jeans, Dockers, cut-offs, and “baggies” can be worn at all pack and troop meetings, and outings too, Scouts and leaders alike refuse to give up their Scout pants.  “BSA-issue pants only at Blue-and-Gold’s and Courts of Honor? Nonsense!” said Scoutmaster Fargus Chortleman. “We’re not gonna give up wearing our full uniforms at every meeting and camp-out!” he declared.  Units around the country have Twittered his rebellion. It’s gone viral!

BOARDS OF REVIEW APPROVED FOR RE-TESTING SKILLS.

Bowing to troops’ demands for holding Scouts to higher standards, the BSA has approved the re-testing of all previously-learned Scout skills at all boards of review.  “Yes, a Life-rank board of review might take two or more hours, but it’s worth the extra effort,” affirmed Committee Chair Charlie Leerkopf.  “Our troop produces better Eagles than if we just followed the BSA’s ‘minimum requirements’,” added Advancement Chair Armando Nadacervello.

NEW “FASHION-FORWARD” DESIGNER DEN LEADER TOPS.

After a thorough research study with women volunteers, the BSA has contracted with Vera Wang to produce the new alternative “convertible” tops for female Den Leaders.  These new tops, available in “once size fits all,” can be worn eight different ways, from sunny “halter” style to sophisticated wraps and casual ties.

ELECTED YOUTH SCOUT LEADERS A THING OF THE PAST.

“Only a seasoned Scoutmaster really knows who the ‘true’ youth leaders of a troop are,” says Monty Moronski, BSA Youth Leadership Advisor.  Following on Mr. Moronski’s in-depth analysis, effective immediately the BSA recognizes that troop and patrol elections are merely “popularity contests,” and has approved the new policy that all Patrol Leaders and Senior Patrol Leaders will be appointed by their all-knowing Scoutmasters.

EAGLE PROJECT COMPLETION TIME EXTENDED

Facing stiff competition by sports, academics, dating, religious obligations, cars, texting, and social media, the BSA is extending the time required to complete Eagle projects to age 35.

NEW MEN’S BOWIE KNIVES AVAILABLE AT SCOUTSTUFF.ORG

Understanding that “a guy’s just gotta carry something big and dangly off his belt,” the BSA has approved the sale of 2-pound, 18-inch Bowie-style sheath knives for all adult volunteers.  Not available for youth, in order to preserve a “we can do it—you can’t” philosophy, this new knife comes with either a hand-tooled sheath for the “macho” effect, a fringed leather sheath for a more “survivor-type” look, and a stainless steel mesh sheath for that “metro” look, all at no difference in price.  Get yours today!

TRI- AND QUAD-LEVEL SCOUTERS’ HATS FOR SALE.

For the first time, you can show off how many “Scout hats” you wear, every time you “suit up”!  The new tri-level and quad-level hats are “Smokey Bear”-style with either three brims or four, depending on how many positions you hold. (Five or more brims available via special order.)

HUGGY-BUNNY SCOUTS – THE NEW BSA PRE-SCHOOL PROGRAM.

“Boys too young to be Tiger Cubs still need Scouting, and parents need baby-sitters sooner,” says the BSA.  That’s why the new pre-school program, dubbed “Huggy-Bunny Scouts” has been taken beyond piloting and will become an official BSA program starting soon nationwide.  Designed for diaper-trained toddlers, the program importantly has no parental involvement at all—Den Leaders will do everything, parents can just drop off their little bundles and Scouting will happen like magic.

POPCORN OUT, BEANIE BABIES IN.

While popcorn will remain the mainstay fund-raising product for Cub Scout-aged boys, Boy Scouts and Venturers will be selling a new line of Beanie Baby plush animals.  The new line will include collectors’ specials, including “Mr. Penguin-with-a-Mohawk,” “Ms. Mama Aardvark,” “Baby Grizzly Bear,” and “Tattooed Tarantula.”

NEW MERIT BADGES APPROVED

Watch for them: Citizenship in the Universe, Arrow-Catching, X-Box Gaming, Cell-Phone Texting, Facebook Friending.  The new requirements to be published shortly.

Happy Scouting, and Happy April Fools Day!