Issue 249 – April 1, 2011

Heard ‘round the office water buffalo…

Joining Geocaching, Robotics, and Inventing as new merit badges for the 21^st Century, by the end of the year the BSA will be adding yet one more: Cryonics. Word has it that all former Counselors for Taxidermy (discontinued in 1952) will receive a bye for qualifying (if they’re still with us…the youngest possible Taxidermy Merit Badge Counselors will have their 71^st birthdays this year!).

Not to be outdone by their older brothers, the Cub Scouting program is adding Mini-Cruise-Missile Distance Launching to the activities list, to complement Packs’ annual Pinewood Derby and Raingutter Regatta.

Venturing has dramatically widened the advancement portal for its distaff members with the creation of the Fricasseed Eagle Award.

In response to a steady stream of requests, the BSA will recognize the Religious Emblem programs for both agnostics and atheists. To obtain the workbooks for these programs please call 1-800-000-0000 (Note: If no answer, please continue to hold).

And now for some fundamental truths…

No matter how well-covered the camping food, if a bee, fly, or wasp is present, it will land on your portion.

There’s only one way a group of Scouts wants to put out the campfire, and they’ll have no way of knowing how bad an idea this is until they actually do it.

If your son is average, this is a good thing. It means that half the parents in the troop are worse off than you.

If, as Scoutmaster, you don’t want the troop to hear what you’re saying, just pretend you’re talking to them.

Of all the Scouts in the average troop, 5% will occupy 95% of the Scoutmaster’s time.

In any group of volunteers, there will always be one person who actually knows what’s going on. This is the person most likely to be ignored.

Beware the Leatherman and the like: Any tool designed to do more than one thing will do none of them well.

First rule of Square Knots: The more you wear the bigger target you become.

When you hear Scouter A criticize Scouter B, you learn more about Scouter A than about Scouter B.

To calculate the I.Q. of any committee, first determine the I.Q. of the dumbest member, then divide that by the number of committee members.

First rule of campcraft: Every flat surface is a table or seat.

First rule of tenting: Any liquid spilt in a tent automatically doubles in volume.

Life is a series of lessons. Each lesson is repeated in various forms until you learn it. Then a new lesson will appear.

Corollary to above: People don’t make the same mistake twice; they make it three, four, or five times…

Talking it over with your local professional Scouter is fine, but with a few FOS dollars they usually hear you better. <wink>

If your Scout son wants to start a bug collection, give him some paint and ask him to paint the patio furniture.

When you start to enjoy your own self-importance remember that God made man, but He used a monkey to do it.

First law of campout weather: If it’s not a campout weekend, the weather will tend to be partly sunny; on a campout weekend it will tend to be partly cloudy…or worse.

Cream may rise, but sewage floats.

First rule of Scout motel stayovers: No two motels/hotels will have shower faucets that work the same way.

Second rule of Scout motel stayovers: The adult TV channels will not work in any room occupied by an adult and work in all rooms occupied by Scouts.

A bore is a person who monopolizes the conversation by talking about him/herself, when you want to talk about yourself.

Listen to what he says is his greatest talent or skill; this is what he will be worst at.

Cleanliness is next to godliness except at Scout camp, where it is next to impossible.

Happy Scouting!

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