Issue 619 – October 8, 2019

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Last week’s issue featured a letter from a fictitious “Scout Mom”—Mrs. Ima Koddler—voicing a plethora of complaints about how her twin 17 year-old Life rank, lackadaisical sons—Brawley and Crawley—were being hindered in her (not their!) quest to shove them through to Eagle rank. That letter—with true scenarios based on letters I’ve received over the past 18 years—raised pertinent points about parental involvement in their offsprings’ Scouting lives and raised some readers’ hackles. Here’s a taste of what a variety of readers had to say, in no particular order…

Dear Andy,
I think there’s often a fine line between encouraging and doing. As a Den Leader, I was very involved in my son’s pack, but when he moved up to the troop I quickly backed off. I’m on the committee now and, as his mother, of course encourage him. I’ll occasionally remind him to make calls, ask questions, and so on, but I absolutely don’t do these things for him; he’s in charge of himself in Scouts. (Shirley Pfister)

Hi Andy,
This makes me cringe so hard, I can’t take it. At first I thought it must be a parody. It’s certainly a compilation of all the worst possible “helicopter” Scout parenting imaginable.

If I were to offer any advice to this mom, I’d start by gently pointing out that the goal of Scouting is for her sons to develop into men, and her constantly doing everything for them is creating man-sized infants instead. She needs to give the Communications counselor’s number to the one son, and tell them both to get with the Scoutmaster or the Eagle Coach ON THEIR OWN to make and carry out a plan to complete their Eagle work. I’d make it clear to her that the troop’s volunteer adults won’t be allowing her to do anything else to help, and it’s her sons’ decisions to finish or not. She needs to let go, and trust her sons to get it done—if they actually care enough to do so.

When my son was 14, he got upset about having to wear his uniform as a Den Chief, had a tantrum, and told me he wanted to quit Scouts. I told him, “If you really want to quit, you can. It will break my heart, because I think you’ll eventually regret it, but it’s your choice. Scouting is supposed to be fun. If it’s not, well, you have enough things in your life you must do, like church, school, and family events. So it’s your choice. I’ll be in the car if you decide you’re going to put on that uniform and go see your Cub Scouts.”

I went and sat in the car. About five minutes later, he came out of our house in full uniform, and that was the last I ever heard about quitting Scouts. From that moment on, his father and I didn’t have to prod him to attend meetings or get his advancement work done—BECAUSE HE OWNED IT!

That lady’s troop’s adult volunteers need to make it crystal-clear to every new parent that they’re not helping when they act on behalf of their own Scouts, because one of the lessons Scouts learn is to interact with adults other than parents and teachers. This is tough for those of us who came up through Cub Scouts, where the parents were involved in everything. But it’s absolutely crucial, and needs strong enforcement in all troops. Cheers! (CCR)

Hi Andy,
The first thing I thought of was why is she doing everything for these two boys? They’d learn a lot more about how to fare in the world if they did things for themselves. (Lee Murray, ASM, Nevada Area Council)

Hi Andy,
Tell “Madam Helicopter” that the merit badge counselor is 100% correct. BTW, it’s a shame her sons are too busy to be Eagle Scouts. C’est la vie! (Dave Pela)

Dear Andy,
Well, I don’t know where to even start with what I’d say to this mom. I think the problem may have started because the troop leadership didn’t tell her, when her sons joined the troop, how the Scout program works and what’s expected (and not expected) of the parents. It’s a shame that the troop didn’t handle this situation years ago—these boys could have gotten a lot more out of the program.

As a Scout mom myself, I did attend almost every troop meeting too, but I was only there to help out other troop volunteers as needed. Neither my husband nor I ever attended a campout. We both believe our son enjoyed the freedom of getting away from his parents, home chores, teachers, for an entire weekend, and it was good for him. He recently completed his Eagle board of review, and neither my husband nor I would even think of writing his Eagle statement for him, or follow up with merit badge counselors for him. This mother seems out of control on those fronts. Perhaps the troop could have kept her busy with a volunteer position, so she would stay busy contributing and learn how the Scouting program works, and why. (Scout Mom, Longhorn Council, TX)

Hi Andy,
My wife reads your columns too. As soon as she read that letter, she asked me, “Is this a miss-dated April Fool’s column?” (Yeah, she really did!)

As for me, my head exploded when I read it. My own first reaction was the same as John McEnroe – “YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS!”

If I were going to sit down with this helicopter, snow plow, lawnmower Mom, I probably wouldn’t do a point-by-point because she’d likely argue with me more than listen. But I’d likely invite the unit’s Scoutmaster, the district’s Advancement Chair, and a member of the council advancement committee to join us.

I’d ask, Why are you doing all this for your obviously capable sons? By now they know or should know the requirements they still need to complete. After all, they were able to complete their Eagle projects and all (or almost all) their merit badges. So why, is “Crawley” just now figuring out he hasn’t completed the one for Communication? Is he “too busy”? Or is this just not a priority for him?

I’d explain that, since 1911, nobody’s allowed to add to or subtract from any written requirement, and this policy has never been changed.

I’d ask why her son didn’t get his own “blue card” long ago and then just follow the procedures.

I’d point out that she’s setting her sons up for big failures in college… unless she’s gonna move in with them! (Matt Culbertson, GUIDE TO ADVANCEMENT Contributor, former National Advancement Advisory Panel member)

No conversation about lackadaisical Scouts and angst-ridden parents would be complete without the now-famous letter to Kelby, a faltering Life Scout, requested by his anxious father and written by Mike Rowe, Eagle Scout (1979), star of the TV shows “Dirty Jobs” and “Somebody’s Gotta Do It,” and featured speaker at the 2010 National Scout Jamboree. This letter was also reproduced in the NESA “Eagletter” in 2009. Here it is in its entirety, the only edits mine, which appear in brackets. Kelby’s father had asked Mike to “encourage” his son to complete his work for Eagle and earn the rank. Here’s what Mike said to Kelby…

“Kelby,

“Your dad asked me to drop you a line and say something inspirational that might persuade you to dig down deep and find the determination to make the rank of Eagle Scout. It’s a reasonable request, from a father who obviously wants to see his son succeed. But here’s the thing. The Eagle [rank] is not really meant for people who need to be dragged across the finish line. It’s meant for a select few, and I have no idea if you have the guts to see it through.

“Statistically, I suspect you do not. Only [five] out of a hundred Scouts make Eagle, so if you fail, there will be lots of other people with whom you can share excuses. Quitting now might disappoint your dad, but I doubt that he or anyone else will be overly surprised. Anytime [95] out of 100 people do the same thing, it’s not exactly a shock.

“I’m not trying to be cute with a bunch of reverse psychology. When I was 15, there was nothing that anyone could have said to me that would have inspired me to do something I didn’t want to do, especially a stranger with a TV show. So I’m not going to assume you’re any different or pretend that I have some influence or insight that you haven’t already hard from a dozen other people who actually know you and care about you. I’ll just tell you straight up that doing something extraordinary can be very lonely, and most people simply aren’t cut out for it. Being an Eagle Scout requires you to be different than most everyone around you, and being different is really, really hard. That’s why the award is called “an accomplishment.”

“Personally, and for what it’s worth, the best decisions I’ve made in my own life are those decisions that put me on the outside of being cool. Singing in the opera, working in home shopping, starring in the school play when the entire football team laughed at me, and especially earning my Eagle were all choices that required sacrifice, hard work, and delayed gratification. I have no idea if you possess those qualities or even envy them. But I can tell you for certain that not getting your Eagle will be one of the easiest things you’ve ever done.

“Whatever you decide to do, Kelby, it’s important to remember that the decision is yours. Not your dad’s, not your friend’s, and not your Scoutmaster’s. And you’ll own that decision for the rest of your life.

“Good luck, Mike”

Happy Scouting!

Andy

Have a question? Facing a dilemma? Wondering where to find a BSA policy or guideline? Write to askandybsa@yahoo.com. Please include your name and council. (If you’d prefer to be anonymous, if published, let me know and that’s what we’ll do.)

Although these columns are copyrighted, any reader has my permission to quote or reproduce any columns or column parts so long as you attribute authorship: “Ask Andy” by Andy McCommish.

[No. 619 – 10/8/2019 – Copyright © Andy McCommish 2019]